the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
i always preached that everything in life is a matter of choice. there are few things in this world you cannot get if you try hard enough, and sacrifice enough for.
the fallen saint left at 7:48 pm
drove mom to work this morning, under close supervision of the owner of our family honda civic, aka dad. i needed him to be around actually, since i didn't know my way around the city area, plus he's a bit of a stabilising force inside the car, because to go out on the road for the first time after getting the license, especially in the city district, can be a little unnerving.
the fallen saint left at 1:51 pm
an sms from loi:
the fallen saint left at 12:47 am
passed my first driving test with 8 points. fever, rain and all. i believe those who care already know, so i won't say more. so i'm smiling and happy despite my fever still.
the fallen saint left at 11:32 pm why is it that i always have to do things under difficult circumstances? my driving test is in about 3 and a half hours' time, and i'm still having my fever. plus, it's pouring like heaven's bladder just exploded. of all times to rain, why today, and why now?
the fallen saint left at 11:13 am
saturday evening was spent with dionne loi adel mel ong. it was a gathering of sorts, since we knew one another (or heard of, in some cases) since secondary school. my order for dinner was the smallest - and frankly, most miserable-looking - one among the group's. i'm half-wondering if the staff meant it to be a joke, because my food came last, and everyone just cracked up when they saw my food served to me. i felt like a walking herb after consuming all that. and someone please reassure me that they at least used olive oil in the dressing. ): this was loi's brilliant after-dinner idea. enjoy her work of art. i regret to say i forgot to take photos with mel ong and adel before they left earlier. but dionne loi and myself settled on starbucks because we wanted to be ripped off like jackasses. and of course, a place to sit down and talk. i got bombarded with a lot of provocative questions, and was made fun of as usual. as long as they're happy, i guess. haha.
the fallen saint left at 10:49 pm
i regret to announce i am in a very bastardy mood at the moment, and i'd like to have a laugh at some people i've come across online. it is to no one in particular; i merely stumbled on some mode of electronic identity, such as a blog or profile, and certain things that have happened recently have led to a culmination of such a mood within myself.
the fallen saint left at 1:57 pm it took a lot of searching and wandering in order for me to find the restaurant. in all honesty i think the layout within liang court is an absolute nightmare. it took me about 10 minutes to get to liang court, having alighted one bus stop after, then another 10 or 15 minutes to find the restaurant. the architects of the building probably decided to poke some fun at the shoppers when they were designing the interiors, because it would take some asking before you could find where the bloody hell the restaurant is.
the fallen saint left at 12:00 am
Sunday, June 25, 2006
this is the line
right now, liberation or misery is mine to choose, and i've made my choice.
i just want to let everyone who stood by me know that i appreciate all that you've done, but this journey is mine to walk alone. not naming you doesn't mean i've forgotten, but that i remember you in my heart and not in this immaterial world we call blogs.
where one life ends, another begins.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
it's different
i still don't like automatics. the pickup is slow, driving the car feels dead, and i might fall asleep if you put in a norah jones album into the player. i don't think the civic has enough bhp to earn itself an automatic gearbox, in which case it just crawls and crawls along the roads. getting up to 90 or 100, i thought i felt the engine wince. sure, i'm not at the wheel of say, a bmw or merc, or even an integra, but the drive is simply not engaging. it's like going to the video arcade and slotting in a credit for a shooting game. auto-reload may be a convenient option, but it takes away the realism of the experience. yet, who am i to complain, since i'm not the one who bought the car. and it is, after all, a family saloon. bah.
hoping to be able to drive more often anyway. out.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
because we all love a good laugh
haha you know just now this quite cute angmoh came in (to the clinic where loi works)... then when he came out it turned out he needed viagra. the clinic is SO not the place to meet guys la.
so she intends to go to bali on vacation to get over the disillusionment. ok i made that up.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
scratches head
had a nice chat with elaine at her place till rather late.
then i came home to read this nasty note on my tagboard. it makes me feel nostalgic, of days gone past. back to when i was in j1 again, haha. i remember those times very clearly, about when i got injured during the rugby match, and when i really disliked my class for a period of time. yes, i learnt not to compare individual sacrifice with acts of nobility, nor to be too judgmental of others because i have strong or extreme opinions on certain things, although from time to time i do lapse into moments when i speak my mind freely without a care.
what i did learn, most important of all, is that those who go by 'anonymous' will forever remain so. i have come to conclude that they are people posing as friends jumping at the first opportunity for a backstab, or voyeurs. either way, they are clearly people who do not really know me. those who really care will be happy that i can move on and be happy. those of you who just want to see me suffer, you know how i feel towards you (: also, i've come to accept that if you do not leave your real name behind when you first tag, it will be impossible for me - or anyone for that matter - to force your identity into the open. in your cowardice, or whatever else have you, you would use a pseudonym instead of the highly unimaginative 'anonymous'. i still remember 'janine' and 'gigi', though i no longer hold resentment towards either of the two people behind those pseudonyms. there is no point holding on to hurt.
if you just want to make yourself heard and be the centre of attention, so be it. there is no doubt that i'm not pleased you had to choose my little space on the world wide web to do so (couldn't you do it on your own blog instead of polluting mine), but if it makes you happy after you've had your share of the attention, fine by me. my blog is public and thus for all to view, and i accept that its content is never agreeable with everyone, and since i put up a tagboard, i also accept that people - anonymous or not - are free to leave their comments; of course i could censor unwanted tags, but it's too troublesome. i do not have the leisure nor the vigour to channel into this avenue as you have for slamming me. in fact, this entry is already draining a lot out of a feverish me, but just so that i make the message clear: i'm uninterested in fighting with you over your opinions of me. i may entertain your comments for a while, but i will get weary and lose interest. and of course, i'll grow out of it probably sooner than you.
bah!
someone up there must have something against me. you just don't want me driving on the roads, do you?
-grumbles-
Sunday, June 04, 2006
birthday weekend
this was the only decent photograph the girls took together. by 'decent', i mean they weren't mimicking dopey taiwanese poses and all that. i spare all neutral parties of potentially life-altering experiences in viewing those photos. but if any of you girls are reading this, you can get the photos from myself, dionne or loi (:
would you call this a family snapshot? dionne and loi are purple monsters, dionne and i are twins, and loi and i are clones. long stories to explain every single relationship, but yeah. heh. we've known each other for donkey years already, as someone said. hopefully we stay as lifelong friends, because hell, what would i do without these two drama queens.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
have a laugh
english. is it so hard to write or speak in grammatically and fundamentally correct english? for example, in reference to a car: "isn't this bodykit look nice" -guffaws- that's not even scratching the surface. if you have been living in singapore all your life, attending primary and secondary school, then either the education system is a failure or you are. i don't mean to snort at you, but don't attempt complex sentence structures if you cannot even get tenses or grammar correct. spelling too. use spellcheck if you need to, for crying out loud; rather humble yourself in your own privacy than to be made a mockery of by strangers such as me. it tickles me to know that two people in the office (the head and a certain mother of how-many) sincerely believe their english is fantastic, and insist on creating letter formats their way when there are so many better-educated and qualified staff around to seek assistance from. some people are so stuck up to not ask for help. pity pity.
maybe i went a bit overboard on that one. i'm not apologising for anything, though. i believe there are few achievements in this world that cannot be attained through perseverance and hard work; it is a matter of how much sacrifice you are willing to make to get what you want. all the talk about passion being worth nothing except for presence in the team, or talk being cheap - no sorry, "free", to quote someone - is just rubbish. if you're truly passionate about a sport, then the effort and sacrifice will come naturally. if you're not selected in the team despite your perseverance, then it is unfortunate, but no one can fault you for having been distracted from your goals or not giving your all. don't talk about being tough and all that if you don't lead such a life. if you don't push yourself till you're on the verge of puking, then you should know when to shut up when you come up against someone who does.
never lionize yourself and think you gave up the most, as i have learnt, because just around the corner is always someone who's forsaken more than you can imagine.
respect is given, not taken.
dinner at tung lok
so here's a neat family photo of all present, after our tummies were filled. i should have tiptoed, yes. we were there to celebrate grandma's birthday, by the way. no prizes for guessing where grandma is in the photo. the total bill was about 800 bucks. woot.
and.. you could accuse me of being out of touch with trends these days, but look at what my younger cousin nick got.
like, bloody hell. that nightmare before christmas pouch houses his handphone and cash. allow me a moment of outburst..
WTF!?
ok. i feel much better.
looking forward to meeting up with loi dionne (ong? mel? saha? adel?) tomorrow evening.
that's all for now. maybe i'll snap some more shots tomorrow. nights all.
